2004 - Me and Ville Valo, from Dust to Lust
by VHV666
Summary: A tale of a fan and her idol.
1. Chapter 1

We met in 2004…we were friends, the oversea ones. Yes I am a fan…like Bam Margera, he is basically a fan and managed to get into the group of friends as well, did he?

Never say you can not get close to your idol as a fan…

Sometimes…"fan"…is only optional…my fan dom turned into more than just that…I never believe this could even happen.

But it happened…

The darkest of times…and there he was…

Helldone 01-01-2004 - I was outside Tavastia…feeling miserable, I did see the state of Ville..thorn, broken…drunk…high whatever.

Like me…

I admired him though, he always seem to manage because he had the best of friends around him…the band…

I was also a heavy drinker, not afraid of pills…the typical stereotype woman who loved Metal and stuff beyond the Dark side…I didn't mind what they were thinking od me…I never had many friends, I liked being on my own…at the same time…I hated it…a loner. It was okay…music did it all for me…and my art.

I barely managed to go to gigs of my favourite bands…but now I travelled to Finland on my own to see some shows…

To see Ville…the man who kept me going….

It was a good gig, front row and eye contact…it is how it went all the time…I never made fuss out of it, but I hoped one day…he would talk to me…

But no…how many fans were thinking the same? I was just one of them…a day dreamer…the nights were sleepless ones for me…so awake at night…dreaming at day time…

I made it through…went to the bar for some drinks and then outside for a smoke…keeping the drink well hidden…I sat down in the freezing December cold in just my hoody and wrapped up in a huge scarf.,.gloves on…pulling my beanie further over my head…pulling my hood up…

There I was…sitting in the light of the lantern…a dark figure in the white snow…

I sighed and ran my cold hands over my face…maybe it was time to go back inside…it was nearly 3 and in an hour the bar would be closed….

I pressed out my cigarette…and adjusted, once more, my beanie and my hood…pulling it even more over my face….

I was freezing…and somehow I did not manage to get back to the bar…I stood there in the hall…watching the band standing on the steps…taking pictures with fans…  
Like a dark stalker…I stepped away and watched them…

No Ville….maybe he was gone already…

I stood there…going through my pockets for something to eat…but I probably lost it somewhere and sighed…maybe I better go. This was getting to me, the gigs here were done and soon I had to head back home…without them…it was hard….

I felt so close…maybe I was just obsessed…I was not alone…was I?

I turned around…last one I saw was Linde…time to head back to the hotel…I slowely started to turn, made my way to the hall to go outside…

Then someone passed me, talking Finnish…which was not weird in Finland…

A tall hooded person…well you must know there are many guys looking like Ville there…I mean…well, you maybe know what I mean. Men and women at a gig like this all look alike…all Ville Valo wanna bee's….some really manage very well though….

He turned and bumped into me…he barely could see me standing I take it…he was way into something on his own…screaming from one side of the hall to the other…

"Fuck sorry…"…I heard and looked up…my eyes widening…

"I…oh…it's okay…"…

It was actually Ville…looking bewildered and kindof angry…he went on in Finnish and I had not even the slightest idea what he was on about…was he talking to me? I don't think so…

All of a sudden he was gone again…leaving me in total shock…

But I did know he had no interest…

Do you know how it feels when your dreams are just being shattered…? Like…waking up from a fucking dream that was too beautiful…

I somehow knew it…of course I was just a fan…maybe even obsessed…even though, I was not the kindof fan who needed to have every piece or merch…

There were fans far worse than me…really…

Again…outside I went…I trembled and maybe I was in tears, I could not feel my face…it was way too cold…

I started to walk slowly…lightening a cig…and what I usually did…take a pill and move on…I sighed…

I wish I had never met him…really, not like this…

I put my earplugs in, with HIM blasting from my I pod…and walked into the cold Helsinki night…


	2. Chapter 2

Back at the hotel, I throw my stuff on the table…and without even getting undressed I drop myself on the bed…of course not being able to sleep. I cried…

There is always this nasty after concert thing that drives me so restless…plus the fact I was going home in 2 days did not help…

The noise outside drove me crazy…the shovels…the pushing snow of roofs…surely not very nice when your mood just isn't good enough…

8 o clock in the morning…I actually woke up…fucked and feeling shit…

I got up and looked into the mirror…make up smudged dreads a mess…I didn't care…I did brush my teeth to mask the smell of drinking…and grabbed my coat, scarf…gloves…all I needed to go outside…

One last visit to his place…

The tower everybody should have seen it right?

One last goodbye…sortof…I knew it would mess me up even more…

I went out…face went numb and my vision blurred of the freezing coild wind and the state I was in…

Maybe a drink on my way there would not hurt…

On my way I got my drink (it was hard to find a store) and the drink and climbing the hills up and down made me warm after all…the result was showing up at his tower all heaving and even more messed up…

I stared…and sighed…I wasn't special…I was just like the other fans…maybe an obsessed fangirl. Maybe they were right…

I took a sip from the bottle and hid it in my bag again…I had to step aside for a car that had to pass…I had no idea I was standing there in the middle of the road…

Damn…I felt lonely…no friends around…and so tired…

All of a sudden I felt myself going down in the snow…It was too late to stop myself from falling and I fell hard. The bottle shattered on the street with a hell of a nois and that was it…

After that all went silent again…just like before…

I cried, not that it hurt…but I just cried…

Then a deep voice…

It was Finnish and I did not get it at all…but I did see a hand to help me up…I took it and carefully tried to get up…all so slippery…

Then I looked up properly and I blinked..."Y…you?"…I smiled a bit silly…he smiled back, looking a bit worried…he looked around and kicked the glass of the bottle aside…

"Such a waste of alcohol!"…he joked and laughed…but still looking a bit worried…

"Come…come on then, you must be freezing…"…

I nodded unable to speak…removing the snow of my pants…

He took my hand again…I felt small and stupid, mind you more…stupid…

I needed that hand…everything was so slippery…I had no idea what was happening…He actually took me to his tower?

We went up the steps and there he let go of my hand to open the door…

I stared…

"Well?"…he smiled again…"Come on…it's freezing sweetie…"…I swallowed did he just invite me in?

I nodded and did not even dare to look up…I felt ashamed…

He closed the door behind me and waited there…what was I supposed to do now?

I stood there…and I felt tow hands on my shoulders form the back…guiding me forwards…gently…"Come on…get warm!"…he laughed and I had to look where we were going…My eyes grew big…this was immense.

"…you…really should be careful with who you invite…"…I laughed silly…he was now walking next to me and guided me up some steps. I didn't dare to really look around…afraid I would be rude for taking it all in…

Immense…that's what it was…

He guided me into a large room…cozy…it smelled a bit damp and I recognized it way too well, from magazines…not all how how I imagined it to be though…

I yawned and gave him a silly smile…

"I…am sorry…you should not do this…"…he pulled my hood down and looked at me…his green eyes so bright and the sweetest smile on his lips.

"But I did…did I?"…take off that coat and get warm. You look half frozen, you should not be up so early after that gig last night…"…

I smiled silly and started to remove my coat…

"How do you know I was there?"…I asked him…holding my coat tight…but he took it from me. "WE crashed into each other remember?"…he cocked an eye brow…

I nodded a bit shy all of a sudden…and I am not a shy person!

"Yes…we did…"…I smiled a bit more…


	3. Chapter 3

He took the coat from me and put it aside...

I just stood there feeling naked, it was all I have to hide in…I didn't dare to look up…what was going on, why would he invite me in….?

I carefully looked around…and then back at Ville…

" So…sit down…coffee? Anything else…"…he smiled and looked down on me…I felt very uncomfortable, not at all what I expected.

"What's your name…?"

I looked up…"Coffee, yes coffee will do thank you…"…I sat down on the nearby chair…crossing my legs and arms…still feeling so uncomfortable…

"Name…I…Bianca…"…

I tried to smile and look comfortable…he walked off…humming a tune to himself…and I could look around a bit more…They did not lie when they said he liked taxidermy, no….not at all. It was creepy and interesting at the same time.

5 minutes later he came back. Holding two mugs with steaming hot coffee…he handed one to me and then sat down as well. I thanked him…

"Well, you are not from here are you…are you cold? Is there anything I can do for you?"…

More questions…

"No…I am not …"…I sipped my coffee and put my hands around the mug to warm them…"No not cold, I am fine…thank you…"…a lie…I wanted to go to the hotel, it was rather uncomfortable…I always had a big mouth…Id do this and that if ever met, but now…I didn't even dare to look at him…

This was a disaster and I knew it, I felt ashamed and wanted to run out of here, if I dared to move that is…

I could feel him staring at me…what was he thinking? Maybe he regretted taking me in, I would not blame him…

"I should go…I am sorry, I am…but you were very kind to me…"…I put my mug down after I finished the coffee…and well…didn't dare to get up…I swallowed and tears were starting to well up from my eyes, I could not break down…don't break down!

He looked at me, panic on his face…juts a bit but I could see it…

"No…please no…I am sorry, what is wrong?""…his voice was calm though and he got up…lowering himself in front of me…

"Calm down, you look tired…will you please calm down…?" he took my hands in his and rubbed them gently…I closed my eyes…and I could feel tears streaming down my face…I was so tired and I felt awful…I wish I could enjoy this moment, but I could not…

All of a sudden he looked upset…but still worried…

I will call a taxi sweetie, you should rest…I am worried about you…"…

I nodded…and bit my lip, opening my eyes and looked at my hands in his…they looked small in his hands…

He gave my hands another rub and got up…letting them go…It was as if I could still feel the roughness of his hands around my own…and I could not help briging them to my face and smell them…

This was probably the first time I started to get aware of where I was and what was going on…

Again he left…coming back a few minutes later holding my coat and something else….

"Here, take this…"

He handed me my coat and also one of his hoodies…

"No…I can't really, I am okay…""…he smiled and insist…pushing it in my hands…

"Put it on I want you to be warm…" he said…again his voice so calm…

I got up and put it on…together with my coat, scarf and gloves again…

"Thank you, I will make sure…you get this back, I promise…I…am sorry, I feel bad…"…

He laughed…

"Now come on…don't be, it is fine really…I called a taxi to take you back, please get some rest?''…?

He adjusted my coat and scarf…and I smiled…

"I promise…" I said and looked up at him…

All off a sudden he put his arm around me, pulling me close for a moment…"Take care…and all will be fine, you know…we all have our battles to fight, keep on fighting…don't ever give up…"…

I woke hours later, in my hotel bed…and realized this had not been a dream…I pulled the hood over my head and could smell him…I sighed…not sure if this was a good or bad thing. I…was actually WITH Ville…and…nothing happened. I had a big mouth but he had me gobsmacked…

I curled up, it was dark and could outside…snow was coming down…Yes, I felt depressed, I felt lonely…so lonely and could not even enjoy the fact I had been at home with the man that saved my life with his lyrics…


	4. Chapter 4

The next day I felt a lot better, even though in 48 hrs my plane would go and I had to leave Helsinki...

What was better than spend my last few hors at a bar for a few drinks? Yes, I was still wearing the hoodie; I didn't want to take it off!

Off to the Corona bar it was, NOT just because it was a famous bar among HIM fans, but it was close to the hotel and actually not a bad place to be.

I ordered my drink and sat down in a corner, but near the window, I loved the snow…I loved watching it coming down. I loved Finland…it was so much better than were I came from…people were so nice…beautiful people in and outside…

I finished my 3rd drink and I felt a bit tipsy…

Maybe I should head back to the hotel…but my legs were heavy and I was tired…

"Well…hello there, Bianca…"….

I didn't even look up and laughed quietly…I had a few drinks and actually felt quite relaxed…it was as if a voice of a friend greeted me…

Now I did look up and smiled more…

"Well Hello there to you too…"…I chuckled now and downed the last of my Jager…

He smiled, holding his beer casually in his hand, I could see he was tipsy as well…his cheeks were slightly red and his hair fell in his face…

"Want a refill?"…he asked and I smiled…nodding…

He put his beer down for a moment and walked off to the bar; coming back with a few more beers and several Jagers…I could not help laughing…

"Well…that is more than ONE refill is it?" …

He chuckled, actually a bit naughty…and pulled out a chair, sitting in front of me…taking his beer and downed it in one…

I reached for a Jager and before drinking it, I chuckled so silly…"Kippis…"…and no idea why but I downed it in one and felt myself going red…GAH! It hurt! My eye started to water and before I know it I heard him laughing!

"Shit…"…I gasped…and gave him big eyes…but then looked at his face and laughed with him…"I am glad I amuse you more than I did yesterday!"…I gave him a cheeky smile and looked around a bit…he seemed to be alone…

I am more talkative after a few drinks…so, I tried to keep the conversation going, this was the best way to end a perfect holiday…and I wasn't planning to tell this to anyone, who would believe me anyways?

"Are you alone?"…I asked…taking another Jager of the tray, this time sipping it carefully…

He looked amused, grinning like an idiot; really he did…"At this moment, yes I am…so…when are you leaving?"…he took his beer again and drank from it…then looked at me from over the glass, I could see his bright green eyes…but the white of his eyes was red…proof of a heavy night, or day…

"Well…tomorrow morning at 10 I will leave, I only have a few hours to go…" I sighed a bit sadly and downed my Jager…this time it went quite well…

"I'll be back, next year…I hate to leave, you know?"…  
I sighed more and gazed a bit…I am not sure if it were his green eyes…or me just getting fucking drunk and not able to focus on anything else…

He kept on smiling…probably because he was getting drunk…I was hardly fun to be with, right?'

"Next time…"…he said…" Come with friends, it is always better with friends…"…

I laughed a bit bitter…

"I don't have any…besides, I like being on my own…"…this was no lie; I hated to look after someone or being told what to do…

He drank from his beer again, downing the last bit…

""Well, maybe I should leave you to it, and let you enjoy the time you still have…""…he got up…bowed his head gracefully…his locks again falling into his face, he removed a strand that stuck to his lips, he took a beer from the tray…and greeted me with a nod and a smile…then waked off…"…

I blinked…what did just happen? Did I piss him off…? What did I say…or do…I sighed…and just caught a last glimpse of his walking off, losing him in the crowd.

"Shit…" I sighed…

On the tray were still two more beers and 4 Jars…Yes, I was planning to down them all, knowing I would be fucked the next day, but did it matter. He obviously didn't like me or found me annoying…I sighed again…This was bad; my idol hated me…or whatever…

I took one of the large beers and started to down half of it…I burped behind my hand, my face getting all red and the world started to spin…

I closed my eyes…and put both of my hands under my face…leaning heavy…

The voices were now nothing but a low sound, no words were heard at all…and people…vague figures…

I lowered my head to the table…and gazed outside…one big white blur…

All sound was nothing more than background noise and my eyes were getting heavy…

No…one more drink and I would go…one more…It would be bad to waste away now, my last evening in Finland…

I lifted my heavy head…and when I looked up one black blurry person was standing next to me…I blinked and tried to focus…

"You again…""…I slurred and laughed…going for another beer…he stopped my hand…"That's mine…"…and took it from me., laughing…was he laughing AT me…?

"This…is yours…"…he handed me a Jager…with a smile now…

"Go easy, I am not the one to talk, but it's very slippery outside…or is another excuse to be invited to my place?"…he dead panned on me…and I looked shocked…yet I manage to drink from my glass…

"NO…No…I never meant to…no!". I frowned and actually started to get angry…

Is that, what you think? That I dropped myself to get near you…fuck off…"…I should add, I say anything when I am really drunk to anyone…

He laughed, and I must say, quite loud too!  
I kept my angry face on and he there…stood there laughing…I got up to walk off but instead I nearly tripped and Ville could just catch me in time…

Oh god not again…I thought to myself…and he moved me back on the chair…

I sank back…probably looking like another drunk idiot…he went in front of me…he squatted…and so I had to face him…he tucked his hair behind his eyes and shook his head at me…

"You need someone to look after you…they will throw you out in this state…"…he said this almost whispering…and yes I knew…so I nodded…feeling sick…

I felt his firm hand on my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze…

I let my head fall back…and closed my eyes again…

"I…feel sick…" I said quietly…then laughed a bit…"We should stop…meeting like this…"I slurred more…I lifted my head and dropped it again…but this time I felt a shoulder…and I just closed my eyes…sighing deep…I could smell him…his skin, the beer…and what not…it was a good shoulder, fragile but firm…next again…that arm around me…and like a child I cuddled into him…not opening my eyes at all.

I heard him talking in Finnish, knowing this could not be for me…and I just let it happen…


End file.
